I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
