It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
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I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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