That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
