So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
