a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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