i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped