Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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