Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.