Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating