I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
