There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
