My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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