I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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