Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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