how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
