; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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