my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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