well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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