mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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