yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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