Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
