I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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