I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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