I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
