Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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