It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
