I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
