I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
