Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
