I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My vagina just clenched in fear
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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