i think my tv is drunk
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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