I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
