I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
