apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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