I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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