What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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