You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
