At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
