I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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