If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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