I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
