Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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