I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
