I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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