So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I didn't notice because vodka
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize