just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
