he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
