That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
