I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
