broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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