i jhust puked up my retainher.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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