i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
