Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
