GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
