my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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