I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
