I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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