I met the friendliest cop last night
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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