i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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