Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
